goooat

This post goes out to my favorite woman in the entire world.

Happy Birthday Cassandra.
You are spectacular.
<3

I mean, it wouldn't be THAT bad to work in the go-go bar right?

I finally found a MAJOR problem with the loop hole on facebook.
I can see Bob's new girlfriend's page and all her pictures.
Normally, I would want this..

...but seeing as she always updates photos... and these photos happen to be of his family ..the family I so desperately wanted to belong to for 5 years.... it rips my heart out every time she updates.

Also, he has been attending all these weddings and parties that I know for a fact he would have NEVER gone to with me even after much pleading. This makes me hate him and the midget he is dating that much more.

I still don't miss him though.

This is for Cassandra <3

For Christmas I got from my parents..
-3 packs of gummi bears (Haribo) in different flavors, textures, and themes
-Toblerone chocolate bar
-Ritter Sport chocolates in a 3x3 cube
-Clinique face wash system (3 steps)
-Grey eye shadow
-Pearl black mascara
-Pearl black eyeliner
-Eye makeup remover
-Silver hoop/oblong earrings
-Silver heart necklace ....really??? Hearts??
-Ceramic bracelet with windmills on it from Holland
-A book of "clever color picture mazes" (more for the plane ride back)
-Cesar Millan's 'How To Raise The Perfect Dog' book
-3 pairs of granny panties
-An engagement planner ...my mom say I can use it as a regular daily planner. Hinting much??
-Pencil sharpener.. lol neat
-Purse from Coach in matte grey

I went shopping and got a new coat which is FABULOUS (purple, teal, and gold plaid) along with some shirts and odds and ends.

For Christmas I got from Brandon's parents:
-Purple scarf with woven shiny threads
-Airheads
-Sour patch kids watermelon candies
-Gift Card for Starbucks
-Blackberry hand sanitizer

For Christmas I got from Brandon's sister:
-Turquoise necklace with a gold circle in the middle... looks like a monocle
-Red clutch ..I have the exact one in teal
-Sour patch kids

For Christmas I got from Brandon:
-An Edible Arrangement bouquet
-Vanilla Bean Noel body wash, hand soap, and lotion (it's Brandon's favorite)
-Panties from Victoria's Secret ... this seems more like a present FOR him
-A drawing of my face ...It's extremely well done, looks just like me, and I apparently look like the prince from Beauty and the Beast
-United States of Tara season 1
-He said he would be taking me to buy some jeans too
-His Ultimate Warrior plush wrestling doll he had when he was little. I specifically asked for it.

I think that is it.. I'm not sure. My real xmas gift was of course the trip to Europe from my parents and all the places I got to go to while there.

I'm leaving for Pittsburgh tomorrow for the new year and I can't wait!

Everyday I am nauseous.
I need this to stop.
It's putting me in a miserable mood.

I am definitely the only one who doesn't care about and has never cared for Christmas.
I don't enjoy family time and I always get the worst gifts.
I am the embodiment of Scrooge.

I hate that I snoop so much that it catches up to me.
Example: I was looking at the website of the lady that did Cassandra's wedding pics and there was a picture of this baby and instantly I knew it was one of my old roommates babies. Scrolling down, I was proven right. Two ex-roommates on one website..

What a small world I live in.

I need to get myself out of Germany.
I am over meat land.

If I never had to hear his name again, my life would be better.
It's not a sad feeling that I experience.. it's more of a "please let me move on with my life" feeling.
I don't care about him like that, if at all anymore.

I have two days left until I leave for Europe. They don't seem to be passing quickly enough.
I need to get out and away from everyone. Away from myself.
I feel that I just need a restart button.. a refresher if you will.
I have a lot to figure out in a short amount of time. Someone is going to get hurt I guarantee it.

I went to Frank Gornik's memorial service. I cried the entire time.
There wasn't enough space in the church to have everyone in there who wanted to be. The line was still standing strong when the service started. The mayor was there if it says anything..
It's unbelievable how many people he touched in the short 14 yrs he was on Earth. I am 24 and I feel like I have wasted the last 10 years of my life. I want to be more like him. I want to genuinely care about every person I meet. I want to go the distance for whomever needs me. I want hundreds of people at my funeral crying for my loss.
But the truth is, he will be missed. What a wonderful person... such a tragic end.

I swear most of my life is filled with happiness.. I just never express it.

Brandon volunteers with kids who have lost a family member and just need some peer counseling. Last year he was teamed up with this kid (14 yr old) Frank. Today, Frank got pulled into a wood chipper and now there is nothing left of him.

Needless to say, I feel beyond sick to my stomach.
RIP.

I don't understand tumblr. I have spent the last 2 hours looking over and reviewing numerous peoples accounts and I just... don't get it. It seems to just be a random slew of pictures with no thoughts attached to them. Maybe I am too focused on the details of a story to actually sit back and enjoy their picture vomit.
Then again, most of their photos are borrowed over and over and I saw the same images repeatedly in various journals.




I bring this to you because it's humorous. See? An explanation.

Countdown to Europe: 15 days.

Excitement seeps from my pores.

Since when is showing frustration with inanimate objects a sign of fighting with something living? Why is it that when I casually throw in the word 'fuck', I'm in a bad mood? To me, this is just a word like any other word. I don't look further into than need be and I should be able to be upset with cookies without having eye rolls and exaggerated sighs. That's right, I was bickering with some mushy cookies and I guess I took it too far.. for some people.

I've been looking at websites that carry clothes and furniture I would love to own but would have to sell myself to get. I'm scared I'm going to work my whole life and end up with some amazing sweaters and a room full of fancy chairs. Is that why people work? I mean, I understand you work to pay off bills.. but if you're a 'single' person with no one to account for.. why the hard labor? I have some serious loans to pay off but in the grand scheme of things, they are so insignificant. After those all I have is insurance and my phone bill. I hardly eat and I'm never the one driving so there are those two things I don't worry too much about. Ok, rent. There is that. BUT! I didn't buy a house I know I have to pay off and I know I'm not obligated to stay seeing as how there is no lease. I feel almost like working for a little while, save up, and then just GO.

I want to see so many things. I've been watching this one syndicated show on television and the more I watch it, the more I feel like I am missing out. The idea of moving to New England has been tossing back and forth in my head for some time but I know if I was to go there it would most likely be Maine I would settle with. Settle is a bad word to choose. Either way, I feel it's the safest for now in many different aspects. Now, the smartest choice would be to move to Europe. Living and eating there would be free. I would just get some measly job and then go exploring on my days off. I was sifting through some lady's pictures the other day who happens to live in Switzerland and it's unbelievable how beautiful the average day is. I've been there twice and the whole time I felt as if I blinked I would miss something more amazing than what I saw for the last 100 kilometers (see what I did there? Already practicing). It would be such an experience. I don't know why I'm being so stupid about this whole thing.

These things aren't what I wanted to write about but the rest just seems so trivial. Who cares who is top/bottom in a man/man love fest?

Oh, also, those feelings are gone. Fin.

For the past few nights I've been having dreams with a theme. I guess you could say the central focus is 'marriage'. The other dreams have been of cheap metal rings or hiding what should be a happy occasion but the last one was the most stressful one. I actually woke up feel the stress in my face and a pulled muscle in my neck. I wont go into the whole dream because it would be terribly long and drawn out. Basically nothing was going right in it and so when I googled what the different things in it meant all I got was negative responses. Most of the answers were that something terrible was going to happen and that my life was going to take a turn for the worst. Though, there was a central theme of hot pink and long hair. This represent sex and wanting to be sexy. My dreams are telling me that I need to make choices and that any choice I make is going to screw me over.

Oh a good note. Today is Friday but hey, so is every day when you're unemployed.

Everything I own that can die.. is. This means, the battery in my car is dead. My Ipod is dead. My computer isn't recognizing the battery so if the cord gets knocked out there goes everything I had yet to save (I'm always multitasking). My paper shredder also crapped out. The reverse button works but it gets jammed when I try to use it flipped over. Also, I can't keep anything in my hands. Anything I pick up ends up on the floor in mere seconds. It's beyond frustrating so I have spent most of my day in bed watching the incense burn from across the room.

To make myself feel better, I put a busty picture up on facebook and friended a whooooole lot of Notre Dame football players. Here's hoping I get at least one.
Brandon says I get a free card with a few of them. He'll be taking that back once he realizes how sneaky I am.



Also! I did something beyond ingenious and creepy all rolled into one. I'm like a proud mom.. but to myself. I am my own family. I need to join the FBI or something. All this wasted talent.

Oh, and I dyed my hair. I was tired of it slowly turning blonde orange.

Oh my goodness

What the hell am I doing?

Since Friday night/ Saturday morning I haven't been able to sleep until the sun starts to peek its cancerous face into the window above my head. I don't know what's wrong with my sleep schedule. Try as I might, I lay there in bed staring at the ceiling that I now know I hadn't painted a dark enough shade of grey. I spend my early mornings online getting myself into trouble, sort of. Nothing illegal, just pathetic in a sense.

Since being 'laid-off' I have been thinking about what I can do with my free time (since it's clear that no one hires you if you have a degree). I looking into making a book. Nothing that anyone would read, just something for myself. It would be filled with pictures and funny little things from through out the day. Nothing serious. Nothing sad. Definitely nothing when I'm upset/pissed which is as of lately a good percent of my time. I think it will be a calming thing, if not therapeutic.

I was taking a 'gander' at some online business websites and I have come to realize that I graduated at the wrong time. Had it been one year earlier, there might have been some hope for me. Someone, not naming names, graduated the year before me in with a degree no better than mine and she is a financial advisor for some money making company. Seriously!? Target wont even let me be their cashier and there are people running around with amazing paying jobs all because they got out of college before the economy went bust. I feel jipped. But hey, I hear TJ Maxx is hiring. Nope. Just checked, the job finding website I have been using keeps sending me available jobs ...that don't actually exist.

I might have to throw in the towel on this one. I might have to move back in with my parents, again. I mean, it would be me living in Europe for the next 3 years for free. There are those pluses. The idea of being even farther away from the people I'm unbearably far away from as it is, kills me. Question of the day, "Do I really want to start over?" Sigh.

The other day I was informed that there is a fellow I know of that thinks I am classless and rude. Normally, I wouldn't be bothered enough to let it eat away at me.. but the thing is, he is the worst. I have never been anything but nice to people and their parents (etc..) yet, for some reason, I am tagged as an asshole. He throws the word "fag" around loosely among other things and is habitually drunk. There is some class for you. Maybe it makes me childish and immature to even bring it up, but I will go tit for tat with anyone that wants to tell me MY business. He'll never read this, and I don't care. It needs to be said. The kid is a putz.

In other news. Im living with two ladies a little older than me. I hardly ever see them. One is lawyer and the other one works for a company who has relations with NASA. Super professional. I hear I'm living in a prime real estate area.. meaning super nice houses in a super nice area. I just like that the ice cream place is down the street. Simple pleasures.

I bought my plane ticket for New England (mostly Maine). I am beyond ready to go. 90% of me is excited for the breath of fresh air and the visit with my loves. The other 10% is feeling sick and in denial of what I will actually face when stepping off the plane in Boston. Oh my goodness the memories. I feel a wave of sadness hit me every time I think of it. I'm over the break up. I'm over what was.. but I'm also not anywhere near where 'that life' happened. I'm just going to force the bad feelings out and make new happy memories. Focus on the wedding and the reasons I'm there <3.

Oh, as an early birthday present from the job .... I got 'let go' due to cut backs. I love my life.
There was a man at the door selling magazines trying to keep himself out of jail and to feed his kids.
I asked him if he knew how I could get into making money quick. ... He said I was beautiful. Hooking? Maybe.

My 24th birthday is this Friday and I don't have friends to celebrate it with. I'm going to go ask that salesman if he's busy. I'll buy him a burger.